I hate money.

I know that this sentence is worn, tired, and over-used, but.... I really hate money. It is so hard. Yet, I'm totally for a capitalist society. I think we should all have to work for what we have and what we get, etc. It's just...hard, sometimes. Especially when I'm pregnant and not really able to work (and being in my eighth month now, no one is going to hire me anyway!).

It's amazing how bills can pile up. Especially when you've been making payments on them! But new ones keep happening. And my husband works so hard, but they have taken away his overtime, all the overtime for workers in his building, and that really makes things hard. When we decided we could have a child, it was because he got this new job, which had a raise from what he made before, and also promised 10-20 hours of overtime every week. EVERY WEEK! Now it's been nearly three months without any overtime at all. And I haven't worked for the last month or so. And we've got hospital bills beginning to arrive, dentist visits that NEED to happen, chiropractor visits that NEED to happen. And a savings account that is dwindling very quickly to nothing.

Oh...and a baby on the way.

Insurance companies suck, and my lack of understanding of them sucks. I know my mis-informed self is my own doing, but I was still really staggered by the bill we received from the hospital lately. I was under the impression that our insurance paid 80%. Well...apparently for hospital stuff, there is a $500 deductible we first have to pay (I thought it was in with the $250 deductible for regular medical stuff), and then our insurance seems to only pay 60% of the bill, up to a certain amount. And we're left with the rest. Which on this first bill, is most of it. The insurance deemed it necessary to pay but a small amount. A small enough amount that I'm not sure it's even worth paying for insurance.

Sometimes it is SO EASY to be upset. And just cry. Part of this is hormones, I know. But nevertheless, it's easy. I really try to be tough, to not get overly upset, to think ahead and be reasonalble....but (especially when hormones are ruling me) reason sometimes escapes me and all I can see is this black hole that is swallowing me, telling me I was wrong, so very wrong to think we could handle having a child right now.

But I wanted one. I want one. I have dreams of this beautiful little girl I am carrying. I have a feeling she and I will do a lot of crying together...

But I won't be able to work until mid-may, likely. Can we last until mid-may? We'll have to. And I don't really want to drop my daughter off at a baby-sitters to raise, but I will need to work and have income. And I love my work, I'll love being back out with the horses. I will make sure I have plenty of days off, or days mostly off, to spend with my child.

I just wish I could see the road ahead. I wish I could say, "It's okay. In such a period of time, Mark will have overtime and I will be making such amount of money every month, and we'll be able to pay our bills, keep our heads above the water, and make a happy family with our daughter."

But I can't say that. All I can really say, is: "I think things will be okay. They have to be okay."

And that sucks.

Days of old....

I looked back, recently, to myspace blogs that I created a year ago, approximately. Around this time of year, anyway. What a turmultous time that was! It's really crazy in some ways to realize that that was only a year ago. My husband and I were separated. Life was a mess. I was...well...I was crazy, if not clinically so. I had much different friendships. The only fairly steady thing was my job--life at the barn with the horses and my students.

Now it's a year later. The relationship I share with my husband is better than it ever was. We are so close, so open with each other, that I think in many ways we both agree it was worth it (though if we'd been able to get to this point without the separation circumstances, I'm sure it would be preferred). Life is pretty steady and the road ahead fairly clear. The only craziness I experience is due to my pregnancy hormones. My friendships are good, and hopefully developing and becoming deeper with a few of them. And though I have changed barns and the people surrounding me at the barn, I think it'll be better than ever with more chance for success and forward movement of my career.

Back then, things were constantly dramatic and moving in different directions, with me knowing I was unhappy in many ways, but not knowing how to fix it. (What an easy sounding fix it is, too....only easy sounding, though. Becoming open and trusting isn't a switch you can flip, though we've worked wonders.)

Now, the only drama, really, is connected with the impending birth of our daughter, which we planned for and are very excited for. I'm so in love with this little creature I have yet to see.

And our relationship, our marriage, is truly amazing. Truly. For the first few years, we considered each other our best friends and lovers. But we didn't really grasp that concept. Maybe it was because of a lack of previous relationships, or not enough "relationship learning" or something, but we just didn't understand what being truly open MEANT. What really trusting, really loving, really giving yourself MEANT. People have a hard time understanding me when I say that, or believing it in any case, but it's true. We thought we loved and trusted each other more than anything...yet kept all kinds of little secrets. Secrets as small and silly as sexual preferences and things we wanted to try.

Now...now we talk. We share fears, like fears about having the baby and things changing between us or our friends. We admit the bad things we do, like a day when we sneak a cigarette we were trying not to have, or :) when one of us sneaks in time to masturbate during the day. :) We share goals about the future. We share just about everything, and we're learning more every day.

Imagine that....being able to ACTUALLY tell your husband anything, and having him be receptive and wonderful about it.

Yeah, it's nice.

More later.

My poor friends...

I have dear friends that had a baby recently...well, she'd be one week old today in fact, and I just called them to see if I could come over to visit as planned, and they said they were at the doctor and would have to call me later. This worries me, as I know this was an unplanned doctor visit, otherwise they wouldnt' have asked me to come over this afternoon. Also, the father sounded very tense over the phone.

So I'm worried. Are they there for baby? I know she was jaundiced...is it not getting better? Is it worse? Is she sick? She's a lovely little girl, much what I hope to have myself.... I hope she is healthy and doing well.

Is it mom? Is she not recovering as well as thought? Birth was very quick, maybe they missed something. I've heard of the uterous tearing or something and people not finding out until it was too late, stuff like that.

These friends...they've been through a lot together. They're trying to build a happy family, a life. I hope that everything is well and they just went to the doctor for a silly new-parent worry and not something serious. I know that none of them could bear to lose another, and nor could I.

You think, when a mother and child are sent home from the hospital pronounced healthy and good to go...that they're good to go! But it's so hard to tell. Some things just take days to show up. Like the uterous tearing thing....women bleed for weeks anyway, and especially in a new mother, who's to say how much bleeding is too much?

It worries me for my own birth and baby, too, of course. I believe everything will go well. Probably better than I expect it to, actually, as I'm one of those plan for the worst kinds of people. I'm prepared to spend many, many hours in labor (my friend spent THREE! Not fair!). I'm prepared for pain, to want to give up, etc. What am I not prepared for? My baby not being okay. Or me not being okay. My husband needs me to be healthy, strong, to live a long life. And I need my baby to be healthy and happy, so that I can love her and raise her.

All this is almost enough to make me a praying woman.

Pregnancy Thoughts...

Anyone else tired of hearing about my pregnancy? Too bad. :) It's truly hard to think about much else with a little ninja kicking around 24/7, making it hard to breath, hard to walk, hard to sleep.

Had another appointment with the midwives again today. I'm gaining weight again, which is good...as that's what you're suppossed to do when you're pregnant. Last month, I only gained 1/2 a pound, so I was a little worried, but I think I'm fine now. They still measure baby as "a little small" but that just makes sense to me...Mark and I are not large people, it makes sense that our child would be "a little small."

I'm just about 34 weeks. In doctor speak, I'm 33 weeks and 5/7ths. I don't know why they can't just say, "and five days." The 7ths thing seems quite silly to me. In any case, I'm basically at 34 weeks. The earliest I can safely deliver is 37 weeks....and I know I'll probably think I'm crazy later, but I wish these next three weeks would hurry by!

Early in pregnancy, I would have inwardly scoffed, even scorned, women who didn't want to wait and wait, holding out for that perfect forty weeks (as if we have any choice in the matter anyway). Now, though, I understand. I want to hold my baby. I want to kiss her cute little nose. I want to bring her into this home that it seems like I've been preparing since day one.

And part of it is....I want to get started with the life that happens AFTER pregnancy. Especially since it gets harder and harder as time goes by, nine months gets to seeming like an awful long time. I know my ribs are going to hurt, sleeping and breathing are going to be difficult, at least until the baby drops down into birthing position. And it won't be until weeks after she's born that I feel like a normal person, with no odd body parts swollen, with control of my own body, with the ability to exercise back. And ride horses, of course. I cannot wait to sail over my first jump again. It's going to be glorious.

And, of course, sex. Nobody ever seems to talk about it, which I think is rather prudish. We're all adults. We're all having sex. (I'm willing to assume that, as we all seem rather happy and mostly satisfied with life.) I'm not afraid to say that it's going to suck not being able to have sex for atleast 6 weeks. Perhaps I won't feel like it at all, and I won't miss it, and I won't even NOTICE it's absence. But I hope not. I'd rather miss it, at least from time to time.

Oh! And CLOTHES! In not too many weeks, I'm going to be able to expand my wardrobe. Now, other than sweatpants, none of my pre-maternity clothes fit. And oh, how I miss a simple pair of jeans. Or a zipper hoodie. Atleast I haven't had to have any weird undergarmets, those are all normal, but the maternity shirts and pants....I look forward to have a smaller tummy that my real clothes can fit. That, and...this is silly, but I bought all of my maternity clothes in fall or winter, so with the exception of one shirt, they are all dark wintery colors.
And spring is about to happen! I want color! But I don't want to spend money. *sigh*

Going to go find some food....the pregnant lady's hungry...

This is from a few days ago.... Last Saturday, maybe.


I got to spend a few hours today at the hospital with dear friends who just had their first little girl. It was so nice to see them; working together, learning their new roles as parents. It was...so good to see their little girl. It made me cry! Not only hearing that they had the child (though that did it, too), but seeing them, seeing her. She is tiny and precious, lovely and so sweet.

I cannot wait. I fear my birth won't be as easy (read: quick) as Megan's, as that would be too much to wish for. :) And I do wish it wasn't nearly two months away, though I certainly do not want a premie. I'm just excited and anxious. I can't wait to have the baby shower this weekend, and then go shopping for the rest of the stuff we need to get. I know it's nearly impossible to be truly prepared for your first child, but I want to do what I can of course. And I like shopping.

I feel like I should be giving birth soon, but I doubt it. I do get the braxton hicks contractions, which are essentially false labor contractions. They hurt like hell, though, and I spend....about a half hour to an hour with them nearly every day. They come a little more often now, 10 mintues here, 15 minutes three hours later. Just enough to be unpredictable and make me want to just stay at home all the time. I had them on the way home from the hospital today, but luckily could pull over on a side street for awhile so as to not be a danger while driving. I've had them while at the barn, standing and chatting in the aisle. While sleeping, while cooking, while sitting at the computer.

They are...my least favorite part of pregnancy. And at the same time, I'm oddly comforted by them, as I suppose they're preparing me for birth.

Beautiful wishes for your child, my friends.

This is from a few days ago.... Last Saturday, maybe.


I got to spend a few hours today at the hospital with dear friends who just had their first little girl. It was so nice to see them; working together, learning their new roles as parents. It was...so good to see their little girl. It made me cry! Not only hearing that they had the child (though that did it, too), but seeing them, seeing her. She is tiny and precious, lovely and so sweet.

I cannot wait. I fear my birth won't be as easy (read: quick) as Megan's, as that would be too much to wish for. :) And I do wish it wasn't nearly two months away, though I certainly do not want a premie. I'm just excited and anxious. I can't wait to have the baby shower this weekend, and then go shopping for the rest of the stuff we need to get. I know it's nearly impossible to be truly prepared for your first child, but I want to do what I can of course. And I like shopping.

I feel like I should be giving birth soon, but I doubt it. I do get the braxton hicks contractions, which are essentially false labor contractions. They hurt like hell, though, and I spend....about a half hour to an hour with them nearly every day. They come a little more often now, 10 mintues here, 15 minutes three hours later. Just enough to be unpredictable and make me want to just stay at home all the time. I had them on the way home from the hospital today, but luckily could pull over on a side street for awhile so as to not be a danger while driving. I've had them while at the barn, standing and chatting in the aisle. While sleeping, while cooking, while sitting at the computer.

They are...my least favorite part of pregnancy. And at the same time, I'm oddly comforted by them, as I suppose they're preparing me for birth.

Beautiful wishes for your child, my friends.

The frog and the wig...

(This was from a random question asked as a writing exercise, and I was too amused to just delete it...)

There once was a frog raised away from other frogs. When he was young, he was plucked from his pond and family by a small child and placed in a glass jar. Taken to that child's home, he was raised with their family, and as he grew from a tadpole into a frog, he realized that he was different from his family. His skin was green, he walked differently, he spoke differently. Desperately, this young frog wanted to fit in. What could he do?

He tried to paint his skin to match theirs, but it washed off everytime he hopped into the water. He tried to walk and talk like they did, but he just wasn't built for it. One day, it occurred to him that if he had hair on his head, he would blend in for sure!

So, he talked to the Dog of the house, and asked him to bring him some of his fur after he was brushed the next time. Naturally wanting to please and not caring why, the dog agreed. Soon, the young frog had hair that he happily applied to his head, and kept it there with a small hair-tie that he wrapped around his little scull.

So dressed, he hopped out of his container to go join the family for dinner. On the way there, he was eaten by the cat, who happily mistook him for a furry mouse.

here I am...

A place to think my thoughts without making people click the link to get me off their screen.... This isn't myspace. :)