Days of old....

I looked back, recently, to myspace blogs that I created a year ago, approximately. Around this time of year, anyway. What a turmultous time that was! It's really crazy in some ways to realize that that was only a year ago. My husband and I were separated. Life was a mess. I was...well...I was crazy, if not clinically so. I had much different friendships. The only fairly steady thing was my job--life at the barn with the horses and my students.

Now it's a year later. The relationship I share with my husband is better than it ever was. We are so close, so open with each other, that I think in many ways we both agree it was worth it (though if we'd been able to get to this point without the separation circumstances, I'm sure it would be preferred). Life is pretty steady and the road ahead fairly clear. The only craziness I experience is due to my pregnancy hormones. My friendships are good, and hopefully developing and becoming deeper with a few of them. And though I have changed barns and the people surrounding me at the barn, I think it'll be better than ever with more chance for success and forward movement of my career.

Back then, things were constantly dramatic and moving in different directions, with me knowing I was unhappy in many ways, but not knowing how to fix it. (What an easy sounding fix it is, too....only easy sounding, though. Becoming open and trusting isn't a switch you can flip, though we've worked wonders.)

Now, the only drama, really, is connected with the impending birth of our daughter, which we planned for and are very excited for. I'm so in love with this little creature I have yet to see.

And our relationship, our marriage, is truly amazing. Truly. For the first few years, we considered each other our best friends and lovers. But we didn't really grasp that concept. Maybe it was because of a lack of previous relationships, or not enough "relationship learning" or something, but we just didn't understand what being truly open MEANT. What really trusting, really loving, really giving yourself MEANT. People have a hard time understanding me when I say that, or believing it in any case, but it's true. We thought we loved and trusted each other more than anything...yet kept all kinds of little secrets. Secrets as small and silly as sexual preferences and things we wanted to try.

Now...now we talk. We share fears, like fears about having the baby and things changing between us or our friends. We admit the bad things we do, like a day when we sneak a cigarette we were trying not to have, or :) when one of us sneaks in time to masturbate during the day. :) We share goals about the future. We share just about everything, and we're learning more every day.

Imagine that....being able to ACTUALLY tell your husband anything, and having him be receptive and wonderful about it.

Yeah, it's nice.

More later.