I hate money.

I know that this sentence is worn, tired, and over-used, but.... I really hate money. It is so hard. Yet, I'm totally for a capitalist society. I think we should all have to work for what we have and what we get, etc. It's just...hard, sometimes. Especially when I'm pregnant and not really able to work (and being in my eighth month now, no one is going to hire me anyway!).

It's amazing how bills can pile up. Especially when you've been making payments on them! But new ones keep happening. And my husband works so hard, but they have taken away his overtime, all the overtime for workers in his building, and that really makes things hard. When we decided we could have a child, it was because he got this new job, which had a raise from what he made before, and also promised 10-20 hours of overtime every week. EVERY WEEK! Now it's been nearly three months without any overtime at all. And I haven't worked for the last month or so. And we've got hospital bills beginning to arrive, dentist visits that NEED to happen, chiropractor visits that NEED to happen. And a savings account that is dwindling very quickly to nothing.

Oh...and a baby on the way.

Insurance companies suck, and my lack of understanding of them sucks. I know my mis-informed self is my own doing, but I was still really staggered by the bill we received from the hospital lately. I was under the impression that our insurance paid 80%. Well...apparently for hospital stuff, there is a $500 deductible we first have to pay (I thought it was in with the $250 deductible for regular medical stuff), and then our insurance seems to only pay 60% of the bill, up to a certain amount. And we're left with the rest. Which on this first bill, is most of it. The insurance deemed it necessary to pay but a small amount. A small enough amount that I'm not sure it's even worth paying for insurance.

Sometimes it is SO EASY to be upset. And just cry. Part of this is hormones, I know. But nevertheless, it's easy. I really try to be tough, to not get overly upset, to think ahead and be reasonalble....but (especially when hormones are ruling me) reason sometimes escapes me and all I can see is this black hole that is swallowing me, telling me I was wrong, so very wrong to think we could handle having a child right now.

But I wanted one. I want one. I have dreams of this beautiful little girl I am carrying. I have a feeling she and I will do a lot of crying together...

But I won't be able to work until mid-may, likely. Can we last until mid-may? We'll have to. And I don't really want to drop my daughter off at a baby-sitters to raise, but I will need to work and have income. And I love my work, I'll love being back out with the horses. I will make sure I have plenty of days off, or days mostly off, to spend with my child.

I just wish I could see the road ahead. I wish I could say, "It's okay. In such a period of time, Mark will have overtime and I will be making such amount of money every month, and we'll be able to pay our bills, keep our heads above the water, and make a happy family with our daughter."

But I can't say that. All I can really say, is: "I think things will be okay. They have to be okay."

And that sucks.